Diary: Harry Potter Style
by Lissie
Summary: You think you know what this is, but in actuality, you have no idea. Featuring Oliver Wood, Snape and more! *Ep. 7 is up!* Please read-n-review!!!
1. Episode 1: Oliver Wood

Diary  
  
Episode One: Oliver Wood.  
  
by: Lissa  
  
A/N: Anything Oliver NARRATES will be in .... Also, this takes place in Harry's 3rd year at Hogwarts, and Oliver's 7th, to clear up any confusion.  
  
*****************************************  
  
(We see Oliver Wood, in front of a black background thing. Diary theme music plays in background.)  
  
OLIVER: You think you know...but you have no idea. (pause) This is the diary of Oliver Wood.  
  
  
  
********************************************  
  
(Screen that says Oliver Wood: Almost Not Obsessed appears on the screen)  
  
*********************************************  
  
May 10th, 1993. (pause) Last Quidditch practice before the Cup.  
  
They think that I'm obsessed with Quidditch. I mean, Quidditch is a game that just happens to be my life. There's a big difference.  
  
(Gryffindor boys dorms, 5th year)  
  
OLIVER: Rise and shine, boys!  
  
GEORGE: Blimey Oliver  
  
FRED: What the hell?  
  
OLIVER: (abnormally cheery) Quidditch practice!  
  
Time to wake up the girls!  
  
(Gryffindor 5th year girls dorm)  
  
OLIVER: Girls...it's time to wake up!  
  
KATIE: Oliver...what are you doing in here?  
  
ALICIA: What's your problem?  
  
ANGELINA: Go away, Oliver! You're not supposed to be in here!!  
  
I wonder why they were so cranky. I feel so unloved. Anyways...practice went rather well, I must say.  
  
(Shot to the Locker room, everybody is literally asleep on their feet.)  
  
OLIVER: And then we pull this play...and then Fred...hit a Bludger at Montague, and George...get Malfoy...and then...FRED! GEORGE! Wake up!!  
  
FRED: (eyes snap open) Where am I?  
  
GEORGE: (mumbling) But mommy, it's too early...  
  
OLIVER: Anyways, Harry, get the Snitch once we're 60 POINTS UP!!  
  
(Harry looks like he's struggling to stay awake)  
  
HARRY: Sure, whatever you say...(yawns)  
  
**********************************CM BREAK*****************************  
  
(Hermione steps out, wearing her SPEW badge, in front of a huge screen that says the acronym SPEW)  
  
HERMIONE: Join S.P.E.W., and help free the house-elves! Only two Sickles to join!  
  
Thank you.  
  
(Walks back)  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
May 11th, 1993. Today is the Cup. I seriously doubt that we'll win. I mean, Harry's probably going to get attacked by You-Know-Who or something. If You-Know-Who breaks Harry, I'll break him.  
  
(Harry catches the Snitch)  
  
OLIVER: ('Hugs' Harry tightly)  
  
HARRY: Oliver...I can't breathe...let...go!  
  
(team meets up on the ground, and the Chasers kiss Harry, and hug Wood and the Weasleys)  
  
OLIVER: (sobbing) We've...won..(passes the Cup to Harry)  
  
I knew we were going to win! I knew it! All I have to worry about now are the final exams. Piece of cake.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
May 15th, 1993. I passed my exams! Now I'm finally out of Hogwarts! I can join a Quidditch team and play full time!  
  
(Wood at the tryouts for Puddlemere United)  
  
OLIVER: Please...please...please...let me on the team!  
  
CAPTAIN: I will if you'll shut the bloody hell up!  
  
OLIVER: Okay.  
  
Why was he so cranky? Well, I gotta go! I need to obsess and practice some more Quidditch  
  
fin.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own MTV Diary or any Harry Potter character. HP belongs to JK Rowling, and Diary belongs to MTV. Storyline belongs to me. Tankies.  
  
A/N: Ok, I know that it sucks, but the next "episode" will be better. It won't be Oliver, however. 


	2. Episode 2: Snape

Diary  
  
Ep. 2: Prof. Snape  
  
by Lissa  
  
*************  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own MTV Diary or any Harry Potter character.  
  
HP belongs to JK Rowling, and Diary belongs to MTV.  
  
Storyline belongs to me. Tankies.  
  
****************  
  
(Snape is in front of a black background)  
  
SNAPE: You think you know, but you have no idea.  
  
This is the diary of Severus Snape.  
  
(Screen says: Prof. Snape: Spiteful Sorcerer)  
  
SNAPE: I am NOT spiteful! You're just jealous  
  
of my fashion sense!  
  
***************  
  
June 1st, 1993. Final day of exams.  
  
(In dungeon, Gryffindor 7th years, making  
  
a sleeping draught, Oliver Wood is  
  
struggling)  
  
SNAPE: No...Wood...don't do that....  
  
WOOD: Ah, I've got it, Professor....  
  
SNAPE: 5 points from Gryffindor for  
  
talking back....  
  
PERCY: Damn.  
  
SNAPE: 10 points from Gryffindor for  
  
foul language.  
  
PERCY: But...but...I'm Head Boy!  
  
SNAPE: 10 more points from Gryffindor for  
  
talking back....  
  
(All of a sudden, Wood's potion blows up.  
  
The class evacuates the dungeons)  
  
I hate the Gryffindors. Always think  
  
that they're the best at everything....  
  
especially the Weasleys and Potter. Do  
  
you blame me for being mean? Something  
  
bad always happens when they're in my  
  
class.  
  
**************CM BREAK**********  
  
(Hermione steps out again from the curtain)  
  
HERMIONE: Please join SPEW and save the  
  
House-Elves. Only 2 sickles to join! Again,  
  
I beg you!  
  
(She steps back)  
  
****************************  
  
June 2nd, 1993. House Cup.  
  
I hope that Slytherin wins this  
  
year. I don't want McGonagall to  
  
keep boasting...it's annoying!  
  
(Great hall)  
  
DUMBLEDORE: And the winner  
  
of this year's House Cup is  
  
Gryffindor, for the 3rd year  
  
straight!  
  
(Gryffindors cheer)  
  
It's all Black's fault. If he hadn't  
  
come back, we would've won it!  
  
(Staff room)  
  
MCGONAGALL: We won, you  
  
lost...and you suck, Severus!  
  
The students think that she's so...  
  
serious and stuff. But in actuality,  
  
she's almost as bad as the Weasley  
  
twins.  
  
*************************  
  
June 3rd, 1993.  
  
Did you know that everybody  
  
in Slytherin has pink fluffy  
  
bunny jammies? That's why  
  
we're all in Slytherin!  
  
(Slytherin common room: everyone  
  
is wearing pink fluffy bunny pyjamas  
  
and slippers)  
  
MALFOY: Professor, I can't  
  
believe we didn't win!  
  
SNAPE: I know, Draco.  
  
Malfoy is my favourite student.  
  
He hates Potter and Weasley just  
  
like I do.  
  
MALFOY: It's all Potter's fault!  
  
CRABBE: Yeah.  
  
GOYLE: Yah baby!  
  
COMMON ROOM: What?  
  
GOYLE: C'mon, haven't you  
  
ever seen Austin Powers?  
  
ALL: No.  
  
Except for those idiot friends of his  
  
, that is. Well, farewell. I must  
  
get back to my pink fluffy  
  
bunny jammies, and decorating  
  
my pink home in bunny decor!  
  
************************  
  
A/N: Who's next? I dunno. But....  
  
it will get better. I promise. 


	3. Episode 3: Ron Weasley

Diary  
  
Episode 3: Ron Weasley  
  
By Lissa  
  
*************  
  
Disclaimer: See last chapter.  
  
************  
  
RON: You think you know, but you have no  
  
idea. This is the diary of Ron Weasley.  
  
(Screen says Ron Weasley:  
  
The Kid That's Always  
  
Forgotten)  
  
  
  
************************************************  
  
September 3rd, 1994. Hogwarts. It's all about Harry. Harry, Harry,  
  
Harry. Nobody ever worries about me. Just because I'm not famouse  
  
doesn't mean that I don't have feelings too. It's like the dude in the  
  
Backstreet Boys, the one with the big fuzzy eyebrows. His cousin  
  
gets more attention than he does. Don't look at me like that!  
  
It's Hermione and her stupid Muggle music's fault!  
  
(Scene: A huge mob of 'Harry-fanatics' chases Harry  
  
across the Quidditch pitch)  
  
HARRY: Ron! Help me!!!  
  
RON: Sorry, I don't like the attention.  
  
(Harry gets dragged in)  
  
He's still mad at me for that one. I dunno  
  
why, though.  
  
*************  
  
September 4th, 1994. Today we had  
  
potions. As usual, Snape took points  
  
away from Gryffindor.  
  
SNAPE: Weasley, Potter, 20  
  
points from Gryffindor!  
  
HARRY: (undertone)What the  
  
bloody hell did I do now?  
  
HERMIONE: (whispering)  
  
LANGUAGE!  
  
RON: Why, Professor?  
  
SNAPE: Because you showed up  
  
for class!  
  
RON: Ok, just checking...  
  
HARRY: (undertone)  
  
Smarmy old bas---  
  
HERMIONE: Language!  
  
RON: Damn him, that  
  
son-of-a-bi--  
  
HERMIONE: Potty mouth.  
  
RON: So flush me!  
  
**************CM BREAK**********  
  
(Hermione steps out...again, with  
  
a desperate look on her face)  
  
HERMIONE: Please...I beg you...  
  
join SPEW! Only one sickle to join!  
  
Call 1-800-555-SPEW today!  
  
(Hermione steps back, harriedly,  
  
and trips, knocking down the lights  
  
and the curtain.)  
  
DOBBY: Dobby is thinking that  
  
nobody is going to join SPEW.  
  
************************  
  
September 5th, 1994. Great Hall.  
  
(Scene: Gryffindor Table)  
  
RON: I know! We can enchant some  
  
rabid woodchucks to follow them!  
  
HARRY: What about a pie-throwing  
  
spell?  
  
DEAN: Or you can do the good-ol'  
  
Muggle shaving cream thingy...  
  
(Harry, Hermione, and Lavender gasp)  
  
SEAMUS: What's shaving cream?  
  
RON: (Blank, confused  
  
expression on face)  
  
Tell me more about this....  
  
SEAMUS: No,really, what's  
  
shaving cream?  
  
DEAN: (whispers in Ron's ear  
  
how to perform the trick)  
  
(Scene: Ron is sneaking out of the  
  
Slytherin fourth-year dor, with a smile  
  
on his face. He seems to make it out,  
  
until we see Filch catch him)  
  
FILCH: Detention for you! (to Mrs. Norris)  
  
We've had a good night, my sweet!  
  
Stupid Dean and his stupid trick. I've  
  
got detention for a month, scrubbing  
  
bed pans! Which, I'm late for now!  
  
See-ya! I hope whoever-the-hell's  
  
after me does a bloody brilliant job!.  
  
  
  
*************************  
  
A/N: I know it sucked, but it will  
  
get better! I promise!  
  
~Lissa 


	4. Episode 4: Draco Malfoy

HP Diary  
  
Episode 4: Draco Malfoy  
  
by *lissa*  
  
**********************************  
  
DRACO: (in front of screen thingamabobber)  
  
You think you know, but you have no idea.(long  
  
pause).........this is the diary of Draco Malfoy,  
  
the coolest kid at Hogwarts.  
  
(screen shows up, reads: Draco Malfoy: the Most  
  
Annoying Kid at Hogwarts)  
  
DRACO: That is offensive. I am offended. (cries)  
  
*******************************  
  
October 2nd, 1994. I hate Potter. He is so  
  
annoying, especially in Double Potions.  
  
(Scene: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco are  
  
shown in the Potions classroom.)  
  
HARRY: Uh, Malfoy, would you mind passing  
  
me the tortoise toes?  
  
MALFOY: Yes, I would mind. No way would  
  
I pass it to a friend of a MUDBLOOD!  
  
(evil laughter) Mwahahahahahhahaha!!  
  
HERMIONE: Hey!  
  
RON: That was uncalled for.  
  
MALFOY: Professor, Potter's bothering me!  
  
SNAPE: 50 points from Gryffindor for being  
  
a pain in the butt, Potter.  
  
**********************************  
  
Also, I hate Granger. She's too smart for  
  
her own good. Bloody Mudblood.  
  
(Scene: Transfiguration)  
  
HERMIONE: Professor McGonagall, did I  
  
Transfigure my iguana into a cheeseball  
  
correctly?  
  
MCGONAGALL: Yes. 10 points to Gryffindor!  
  
MALFOY: (audible whisper to Goyle) That  
  
bloody Granger son of a b-----..  
  
MCGONAGALL: 13 points rom Slytherin fo  
  
rusing profanity in my classroom!  
  
MALFOY: Damn.  
  
************CM BREAK**************  
  
PERKY ACTRESS: Inside every box of Mystic-O's,  
  
there's a magical surprise!!!  
  
(Opens box of cereal, out poors alot of junky toys)  
  
PERKY GIRL: Hey, I got a wand (shows cheap  
  
plastic wand thingy)  
  
PERKY BOY: I got some cheese doodles!!! (shows  
  
rubber cheese doodles)  
  
HERMIONE: I got A History of Hogwarts: the Unedited,  
  
Unreleased, Uncensored Edition!  
  
HARRY: I got a scar!!  
  
PERKY ACTRESS: So buy Mystic-O's, breakfast of......  
  
really cool people!!!! You too can be like Harry Potter  
  
(screen fades away to nothing)  
  
****************************************  
  
October 3rd, 1994. The Slytherin Disco Dance.  
  
(Scene: Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy Parkinson, and  
  
the other Slytherins are dancing in pink pajamas  
  
to disco tunes, and a funky disco ball)  
  
I love the disco!! It's so much fun)  
  
PANSY: Do the disco, baby!!  
  
DRACO: You got it, babe!  
  
CRABBE: Funky.  
  
GOYLE: Funky.  
  
I also love pink fluffy bunny pajamas.  
  
(Scene: Snape enters in the middle of the Disco)  
  
SNAPE: What's going on?  
  
DRACO: Potter did this!  
  
SNAPE: Really?  
  
GOYLE: Duh...yah.  
  
SNAPE: 69 points from Gryffindor!! 69 points to Slytherin!!  
  
ALL: (unenthusiasticly) Yay.  
  
But, alas, I must leave you now. I am so sad, and I know you  
  
are too. It is time for the Teletubbies marathon, and I don't wanna  
  
miss it!! And I wanna eat some Twinkies. Farewell!  
  
***************  
  
DISCLAIMER: As usual, Harry Potter, and all things  
  
affiliated belong to JK Rowling.  
  
Teletubbies belong to...whoever the hell they belong to.  
  
Twinkies belong to Hostess.  
  
Mystic-O's belong to me.  
  
l i s s a ' S NOTE: If you want another chapter, you  
  
better review. I want at least 10 reviews before I post  
  
another one, to show that at least SOMEBODY wants  
  
to read this. Otherwise, I'll go back to my old ways.  
  
(ie writing retarded, pointless jingle things) 


	5. Episode 5: Dudley Dursley

Diary: HP Style  
  
Episode 5: Dudley  
  
by l i s s a  
  
*****************  
  
DUDLEY: You think you know...........  
  
but you have NO idea. This is the diary  
  
of Dudley Dursley  
  
(Screen appears: reads Dudley Dursley:  
  
English Fat-ass)  
  
****************  
  
September 1st, 1994. Smeltings.  
  
I love Smeltings so much!! Everybody is  
  
so nice to me here!!!  
  
(Scene: Marching band bus)  
  
TROMBONE PLAYER: God, that Dudley  
  
Dursley is bloody fat!!  
  
DRUMMER: I'll say!! 'E sat on me snare drum  
  
the other day and snapped it in half!!  
  
FLUTIST: Talk about a face only your mum  
  
would love!  
  
CLARINETIST: Well, I feel sorry for 'im!!  
  
FLUTIST: Why should you?  
  
CLARINETIST: 'Cause 'e's the fattest boy in  
  
this whole bloody school!!  
  
and I'm the smartest kid in the Academy  
  
(Scene: Headmaster's office.)  
  
MR. GOOBER: Mr Evil-Knickers, I'm going  
  
to have to fail Mr. Dursley in Social Sciences.  
  
MR HOOSBUTSTINCS: I must as well.  
  
MR EVIL-KNICKERS: Again?  
  
*****COMMERCIAL BREAK*******  
  
(Hermione steps out from behind a curtain)  
  
HERMIONE: Please join SPEW!! Save the House-Elves!!  
  
Only one sickle!! Call 1-800-SPEW-YOU!! The first 100  
  
callers get an autographed picture of Harry Potter!!  
  
HARRY: (From backstage) Hey!!  
  
HERMIONE: Again, call 1-800-SPEW-YOU!  
  
**********************************  
  
September 2nd, 1994. My life is so interesting.  
  
(Scene: Dudley in his bathroom)  
  
DUDLEY: I'm so sex-ay!!!  
  
(Scene: Dudley in his dorm room)  
  
DUDLEY: Duh......  
  
I am so much better than Harry: he's so naughty!!  
  
(Scene: Dursley's house. Dudley has just broken  
  
a priceless vase)  
  
DUDLEY: Mummy, Harry broke your priceless vase!!  
  
(Harry is not in the room, rather he is at Hogwarts)  
  
VERNON: That nasty boy!! He will be punished.  
  
DUDLEY: Can I have a new DVD/CD burner?  
  
VERNON: Sure.  
  
I have to go. It is time for me to do my homework,  
  
flirt with the ladies, and show off my sex-ay body at the  
  
Teletubby on Ice/Blue's Clues on Ice double feature!!  
  
*******************  
  
DISCLAIMER: As usual, Harry Potter, and all things  
  
affiliated belong to JK Rowling.  
  
Teletubbies belong to...whoever the hell they belong to.  
  
Blue's Cluse belongs to....Nickelodean?  
  
l i s s a ' S NOTE: If you want another chapter, you  
  
better review. I want at least 4 more reviews before I post  
  
another one, to show that at least SOMEBODY wants  
  
to read this. Otherwise, I'll go back to my old ways.  
  
(ie writing retarded, pointless jingle things) 


	6. Episode 6: Neville Longbottom

Diary: HP Style  
Episode 6: Neville Longbottom  
by LiSsA  
***********  
NEVILLE: You think you know.......(long pause)  
but you have no idea. (pause) This is the diary  
of Neville Longbottom.  
  
(Screen reads: Neville: The Clumsiest Boy in all   
the Land)  
  
**************  
  
  
(Scene: Herbology greenhouse)  
  
SPROUT: Now, when you water a Snicklesmurf,  
be sure not to wear blue....aah, Neville...  
  
(Neville is stuck in a Venus flytrap)  
  
NEVILLE: I could use some help....  
  
LAVENDER: I'd help you, but I just  
did my nails.  
  
PARVATI: Ditto.  
  
  
  
(Scene: Great Hall. Neville is eating   
cereal.)  
  
NEVILLE: Oh, what yummy cereal!!  
  
(Draco Malfoy suddenly appears and dunks  
him into his bowl of cereal.)  
  
HERMIONE: Draco! Was that a nice thing  
to do.  
  
DRACO: Damn straight, yeah.  
  
HERMIONE: Language!  
  
NEVILLE: Some help?  
  
*****COMMERCIAL BREAK*******  
(Hermione steps out from behind a curtain)  
  
HERMIONE: Please join SPEW!! Save the House-Elves!!  
Only 10 knuts!! Call 1-800-SPEW-YOU!! The next person  
to call gets some free lessons in chess, and an autographed  
POSTER of Harry Potter!  
  
RON: (backstage) When did I agree to that?  
  
HARRY: (From backstage) Hermione.......  
  
DOBBY: (backstage) Dobby is thinking that Hermione   
will never get any SPEW members  
  
HERMIONE: Again, call 1-800-SPEW-YOU!  
*******************************  
  
  
(Scene: Quidditch Pitch, trials 1993.)  
  
WOOD: If you want to be on this team...you have to EARN  
it. You have to eat, sleep, and BREATHE Quidditch.   
Quidditch must be your life!  
  
NEVILLE: Aaaaaah.....  
  
(Neville has suddenly shot up in the air on his broom)  
  
NEVILLE: I.....can't......stop.......it.......  
  
FRED: Don't worry Neville.  
  
GEORGE: Yah, we'll save you!  
  
(Fred and George hit a bludger at Neville. It hits him  
hard in the stomach.)  
  
NEVILLE: Oomph.  
  
(Neville lands on Seamus Finnigan)  
  
SEAMUS: Oy, me bloody 'ead.  
  
I have to go write a letter to Gram. Have a pleasant,  
harmfree day.  
***********************  
DISC: See previous chapter. 


	7. Episode 7: Sir Cadogan

(We see the portrait of Sir Cadogan in front of the a black backdrop. The theme music from MTV Diary plays in the background.)  
  
CADOGAN: Ye think ye know, but ye have know idea. This is the diary of Sir Cadogan, knight extrordinaire.and the best, most well-loved.best-looking.most handsome.  
  
This has been cut due to time constraints, because if we let Sir Cadogan go on, we would be here for days. Thank you.   
  
(The screen reads; Sir Cadogan: Most Annoying Portrait in Hogwarts.) .  
  
-------------  
  
December 1st, 1994. Today I must ask the fair Fat Lady to the Yule Ball. I will be her knight in shining armor. I believe that she will accept my invitation to the Ball. No woman can resist my knightly charm.  
  
(Scene: The Fat Lady's Portrait; outside Gryffindor Tower. Sir Cadogan is in the portrait with her, holding a bunch of flowers that appear to be for a funeral, and a box full of Acid Pops. He is apparently trying to "woo" her.)  
  
CADOGAN: Oh, my darling, would you please grace my knightly arm with your fair presence during the Yule Ball?  
  
FAT LADY: (disgusted) Well.since last year when you took my place after Sirius Black sabotaged me.  
  
CADOGAN: Yes, my sweet. Didn't I do a wonderful job?  
  
FAT LADY: (continuing.) Why would anybody in their right mind want to go to a ball with you? Sorry, but no.  
  
She must be busy. My poor darling.she has oh-so many responsibilities, much more than my knightly eyes have ever seen.anyway, let's go to my post and see what's happening over there.  
  
(Scene: Sir Cadogan's portrait on the way to Professor Trelawney's attic classroom. Some unsuspecting third years are lost, as the staircases changed while they were going to Trelawney's room.)  
  
COLIN: (innocently) Sir Cadogan, can you please tell us how to get to Divination from here? See.we're lost and we don't know how to get to class.  
  
This boy must want to duel with me. Yes, that's it. He wants to duel. So, he shall get a duel!  
  
CADOGAN: How dare ye ask me such a question! If you need to know, we must duel to the death. Then, and only then, will I tell you the whereabouts of your class!  
  
(All the other students roll their eyes at Sir Cadogan's childish and annoying antics.)  
  
GINNY: Um.Sir.we just want to get to class. Surely you would understand.can you show us where to go?  
  
CADOGAN: Fine. I shall lead you towards the classroom of your specification, just so that you will leave me to my knightly duties. .  
  
(He takes off running on his horse, and the third years struggle to keep up. By the time they reach Divination, the class is over and Trelawney takes fifty points from their house. Unfortunately for them, they are late for their next class, which just happens to be Potions, where Snape goes on a rapid point-taking spree.)  
  
It is all in a day's work.  
  
---Commercial Break---  
  
(Once again, Hermione timidly steps out from behind the SPEW curtain. She seems extremely desperate for somebody to join her organization.)  
  
HERMIONE: Join SPEW, and save the House-Elves. I will pay anyone who joins this organization two Sickles! Also, they will receive free copies of Hogwarts: A History, Quidditch Through The Ages, free wizard-chess lessons from the great Ronald Weasley, and an autographed poster of the one, the only Harry Potter. And, for a limited time, if you happen to call and join in the next twenty minutes, I will do your homework in one class for the rest of term. So, call toll free at 1-800-SPEW-YOU! Again, that number is 1-800-SPEW-YOU!  
  
RON: (from backstage) Boy, she really is desperate!  
  
DOBBY: (from backstage) Dobby is thinking that Ron is right.  
  
HARRY: (from backstage) She's never going to give it up and leave everyone alone, is she?  
  
**Commercial**  
  
(Oliver Wood is sitting onstage in a blue director's chair, holding a thick, hardcover, red-and-gold book with a picture of him on the back cover. A cardboard replica of Oliver is behind him..)  
  
OLIVER WOOD: Hello, I am Oliver Wood, and today I am here to tell you about my book, How To Be A Successful and Fanatical Quidditch Captain. If you dream of being captain of your house Quidditch team, here's how to pull it off. There are special plays, tips, lectures, and even pre-game pep talks all written by yours truly. This book costs two Galleons, plus shipping and handling. Call to order your copy today at 1-800-CAPTAIN!  
  
(The number scrolls across the screen.)  
  
WOOD: And, if you call in the next half hour, you will get a complimentary life-size cardboard figure of me, Oliver Wood. And, for a limited time only, you will receive a free copy of my brand new book How To Be A Quidditch- Playing Hottie! All this for two Galleons, and one sickle shipping and handling! Call 1-800-CAPTAIN today!  
  
---------  
  
December 2nd, 1994. Today, I have a meeting with Professor Dumbledore. Hopefully, I will become the guardian to one of the house dormitories. The Ravenclaw guardian is retiring and he is asking somebody to take her place. I firmly believe that I will get the job.  
  
(Scene: Professor Dumbledore's office. Sir Cadogan's portrait is in the crimson easy-chair in front of Dumbledore's desk)  
  
DUMBLEDORE: So, Sir Cadogan, what would you do if you were made guardian of Ravenclaw house?  
  
CADOGAN: I would keep the wee children safe by challenging everybody to duels, and thinking up ridiculously difficult-to-remember passwords.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Alright.please remind me of your..prior experience.  
  
CADOGAN: (babbling rather stupidly and at a the pace of an African swallow.)Well, last year I guarded Gryffindor Tower after Sirius Black tried to break in. See, I gave a boy all the passwords to the Tower, and he lost the sheet that he'd written them down on. Sirius Black picked them up, and after challenging him to a duel, I let him in, even though he looked extremely suspicious.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: (turned off, with a forced smile on his face.) Well, I believe that that's enough for today. We'll owl you if we decide anything. Thank you, Sir Cadogan.  
  
CADOGAN: Alright.  
  
Hah! This job is, as Muggles say, in the bag!  
  
(Scene: Teacher's lounge.)  
  
DUMBLEDORE: All I know is, Sir Cadogan is definitely not going to guard Ravenclaw. I fear for the students' safety.  
  
McGONAGALL: But Albus, you let him guard Gryffindor last year while the Fat Lady was in therapy.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: That was under a different circumstance. There was nobody else, Minerva.  
  
Now I am going to plan out all of my passwords now, so.go away and leave me alone. I will see you when I become the official portrait-guardian of Ravenclaw House. 


End file.
